Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
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I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.