*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
this is the best interaction on twitter
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Kids: Stay in school.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.