Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen