Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
got so much cardio in today
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words