Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Lmfaoooooo
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl