Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.