Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
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i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.