Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of