@thepatrickwalsh: "Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Can I have a word with you? Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk. Boss: But.. Me: Shhhhhhh.....
@Laser_Cat: *gets pulled over* Do you know how fast you were going? *pulls string* *inflates emergency mustache* Oh sorry officer. You're free to go.
@EJGomez: judas: i would never betray jesus he's the best jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie judas: i am going to betray the son of God
@WordsOfaHooker: Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back."