@thepatrickwalsh: "Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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@lolajxx: Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs? Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
@superdadatron: *Opens fridge *Sees chocolate bar with a note "please don't eat me". *Eats chocolate bar Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
@PissingLaughter: Fake moms- 'I never want to be away from my children' Real moms- 'You drop that pizza, I'll put you up for adoption'
@The_JRM: There's a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow - and lost.