“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
You Might Also Like
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Terribly Tuesday.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular