Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I think we should hear other voices.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.