Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Pringles
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared