@LoveNLunchmeat: Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you're not even sure what you just said.
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@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
@kumailn: Twitter 1 Act: -Person misreads sarcasm -You point out it's sarcasm -"I know I was being sarcastic back" -Sharpen pencil, jam it in own eye
@LizHackett: Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
@tuckerflodman: [halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*