Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My love language is hissing.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.