Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
New tinder profile pic