*puts my mental health in rice
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
2 years later
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.