Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
the short answer to this question
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.