Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda