The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I might carry a baby with one hand.