BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
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I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
#catsoftwitter