[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.