[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
You Might Also Like
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE