[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU