[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man