Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.