BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
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A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
john wicks are toilet candles
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.