friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…