Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
🙂🐾
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.