@CourtneyBale: Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
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@drinksmcgee: Someone just told me that they hate bacon... I can't even find words... It's like someone just murdered a rainbow.
@Thynebear: "Is your refrigerator running?" "My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch."
@TheCiscoKidder: My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
@emceej: Don't forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.