Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
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Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday