{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
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Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
this is so top tier i cant
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
They got a point!
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.