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@jimmytorosian: "Bear with me"
-A Russian bear trainer
@IrishVin: My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.
I nearly shit her pants.
@twilighteyes08: An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
@joejwest: HITMAN: Who's the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
@rob5373: I choked on a carrot earlier and all I could think of is that a donut wouldn't have done that to me.
@AmishPornStar1: Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow