“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
good morning
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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