“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it