“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Never ghost your hitman.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.