“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I am patiently waiting for your email
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!