I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
You Might Also Like
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.