BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*