BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
you will never know the true number of layers
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
🤣🤣🤣
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*