Beards are a privilege, not a right
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”