*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
🍞🦆
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
🙋♀️