Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope