Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
You Might Also Like
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”