*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
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what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.