*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
my favorite genre of twitter
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*