*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.