The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”