@Up2Long: Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.
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@ComedicBust: [First Date] Me: Wanna check out the local garden? Her: That sounds amazing. [arriving at Olive Garden] Me: Damn, it's busier than usual
@flashember: [Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist] "He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth." *holds up drawing of Pac-Man* *sobs* THAT'S HIM!
@NicCageMatch: Overheard a woman telling another woman "It's $150 and she supplies all the turtles" and whatever it is, I'm in.
@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."