The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
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COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”