Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
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[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder