Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.