@Sarcasticsapien: Beauty and the Beast is an introvert's worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.
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@rajaet: There's only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren't 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.
@briancthayer: [house hunting] Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding* GOT ONE! Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword* GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
@murrman5: [helping son prepare for first date] "what if she doesn't like it" *stuffing handkerchiefs up son's sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
@notorious_stars: My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them