@Sarcasticsapien: Beauty and the Beast is an introvert's worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.
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@TrueTorontoGirl: I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
@freypalm: *montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's… right here?
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "Where were you on the night of the 5th?" "Dealing drugs." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."