Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
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My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.