My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not