Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?