@_ElvishPresley_: Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet Him: Don't you mean chick magn- *sounds of distant bawk-bawking* Me: We have to go NOW

@RykWeston: So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he's going up on the wall.

@BroIsMeeeee: Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i'm in a cell

@OBiiieeee: "Dad why'd u name me this?" I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live "Oh ok" Now let's go, Air Bud, we're gonna be late for church

@PaulyPeligroso: I'll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.