Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
how to have an accident 101
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
when nothing goes right… go left
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*